Posted in Raised by a village

Spiders… Best Served Under My Shoes

Walking out of the ladies’ room at work, a coworker spotted a spider lowering itself from the ceiling.  As she ducked beneath it and returned to her desk, I waited for the tiny gray arachnid to lower itself within my reach.  Unable to find a piece of paper or tissue, I removed my sandals and smacked the spider at 5 feet in the air. Several coworkers shook their heads, others laughed and one applauded.  

It’s not the first time that I’ve killed a spider or other crawling insects with my shoes.  There was the time in graduate school class where a huge palmetto bug scurried across the auditorium floor.  This caused three cohorts to quickly move their chairs.  I stood, walked up a level and squished the huge winged-roach with my shoe.  The professor stopped and said, “and that ladies is an example of leadership.”  A few years earlier, while enjoying dinner with friends in a now-closed rustic pub, a wolf-spider jumped onto the table after we paid the check.  My friend Joci tried to climb over Becky in the booth while I stood up, ripped off my sandal and pounded the spider in front of the waitress and several confused patrons.  The manager hurried over and asked if there was a problem.  Joci said, “Yes, you should call an exterminator. Otherwise, you’ll need to get Janet to walk around and offer her services.”  The pub closed shortly thereafter citing renovations and new management.

I know that spiders eat insects and are beneficial little creatures, but when they expand their webs across pasture fences, I imagine that they’re writing my name and sending messages to their spider friends.  I’ve lost count of the number of times walking woods or a barn and get smacked in the face by a web of sticky invisible thread.  Arms spastically flailing, I grab at my hair to remove the web and have nightmares for a week of being chased by crawling, jumping arachnids. I’m just a little flinchy sometimes.

Posted in Raised by a village

I Punched a Shark

As I walked into the jewelry store, the associate asked me, “what did you do to your ring this time?” 

“I punched a shark. I think I damaged the prongs.” 

Another patron looked at me quizzically and asked, “why did you hit your vacuum cleaner?” 

I shook my head and said, “a real shark, in the ocean.”

This got their attention.  In 2015, the number of shark sightings seemed to be higher than normal. Warm waters and dry weather made the creatures brave enough for shoreline visits. Even with the news, people at Myrtle Beach continued to fill the shallow surf, enjoying the warm salt water.  I waded out to waist deep and stood with my friend Joci and her 5 year old son. Joci remarked that she needed to take her sunglasses to shore. Jake and I waited a few moments, then decided to go and finish a sand castle. I turned south and caught my breath, stumbled and shoved Jake toward the shore when I saw the two rows of teeth rise out of the water. It was heading toward us. I could hear Joci screaming, “Shark! Get Jake!” In that moment, I grabbed Jake with my right hand, shoved him toward the shore, turned toward the shark and started punching the water with my left fist. I made contact with something near my left leg while half-walking-half- swimming backward toward the shore. Something scraped my ankle and then it was gone. We tripped in the waves and then were on the sand. Commotion, confusion and words of a lifeguard, “don’t panic, it was only a sand shark.”  I tilted my head at him and asked, “an 8 foot sand shark with grayish white rust-spotted mouth and two rows of teeth?! Hardly.” He looked at me and tried to clear the surf of swimmers. 

We packed up and headed inside. I was done with swimming in the ocean where we are just visitors. I looked at my trembling hands and realized that I was wearing my engagement ring and wedding band as I rarely remove them. “I must have looked like a fishing lure with the stone sparkling under water! That was dumb of me!”

We wiped the scratch on Jake’s knee and didn’t say the word “shark” around him. A few weeks later, he went for a checkup and the pediatrician asked, “have you had a good summer buddy?” Jake replied, “yeah, I got bitten by a shark.” The doctor chuckled,  but when he saw Joci’s face, he checked the healed scratched and reported that all was well. 

My ring was repaired then and again in March when I caught it on a goat’s horn. Maybe I should find a non-sentimental ring to wear!

This year, I went back to the beach for a few days and ventured into the warm Carolina coastal waters. Yet, I never relaxed as I fought heavy currents, watched for dorsal fins and rubbed sand on jellyfish stings. 

Posted in goatlife

Goats Just Want to Have Fun

Looking for ways to make milking fun? I adorned my Alpine milking goat named Faith Hill bright pink tutu. She easily stepped into it as she stood on the stanchion. 

Walking around in tulle is not a fashion statement every goat wants, so it’s important to help her remove the accessory before returning to the herd. Especially if there are not enough for everyone. 

This elasticized ensemble can be reused for 5K races, Halloween parties and bonfires.  You just never know when a good tutu will come in handy. 


Posted in farmlife, goatlife

Weirdo Goats

As the days turn to fall, the days shorten and dusk falls earlier each night. The goat still needs to be milked. Tonight, it was just me with Faith Hill who easily went to the stanchion. As I sat to milk her, 3 other goats nudied my legs for treats. Then, I felt something breathing on my neck. I jumped, turned and met the gaze of ADHD Sam, who licked me on the cheek. At least he didn’t make those crazy mating calls. I gave him an apple treat, and he headbutted Connie Francis. Rita Rudner laid her poke-berry stained head in my lap and Betty White nibbled at my apron.  I only screamed a little when the old barn made creaking noises and a barn cat streaked by my feet. Weirdo goats. 

Posted in goatlife

American Ninja Goats

I admit it, I watch American Ninja Warrior on television. There is skill, training, dedication and hard-work that these folks demonstrate on national television. There are gyms across the country that teach people to master the skills necessary to compete. The website to submit an application to compete on the show is impressive in itself.
For me, racing against the clock to jump onto plexiglass walls over pools of water is quite foreign. I spent years balancing on rocks crossing icy creeks in the winter and dodging steaming piles of cow manure in the pastures of hot, humid summers. Yet, devoting hours each week to mastering an obstacle course never really crossed my mind.

However, our goats love climbing.They attempt to climb trees, hay bales, and they even like to stand on the donkeys’ backs. To amuse them, Jim built a goat tree house / obstacle course, worthy of the American Ninja Warrior contestants. Now, they spend hours jumping on the boards and knocking each other off.  We lack the television crew to film their antics, but their dismounts are medal-worthy!

Posted in farmlife, goatlife, Raised by a village

You Get a Collar! You Get a Collar! Giveaways on the Farm….

In all those years of 4-H cow showmanship contests, I garnered white-participation ribbons and learned to appreciate 16th place. Now, decades later, the skills paid off…in goats. 

Catching goats is worse than herding cats. With their sharp horns and cheetah-like sprints, we quickly tired of grabbing horns and chasing them like a rogue version of a ninja warrior television show. Animal scientist, Temple Grandin calls goat horns the “no-fly zone” for human touch. 

There had to be a better way. Faith Hill weighs at least 45 pounds and the other night, I picked her up, and she smacked her horn into my jaw. I thought I was going to lose a tooth. 

That night, I watched a video by K-N-S Farm of the lady using a dog harness for her blind goat, and I finally saw the light. A quick trip to Tractor Supply after work the next day, and I scored a goat halter, lead, and a medium dog collar. We cornered Faith Hill in the barn, and I added the pink collar.  She allowed me to walk and coax her to the milking stanchion.  

Once we had her head secured, I added the halter.  She stood for milking and when we released her head, I held the lead, walked her down the stanchion, and around the pasture.  

This small success involved an ancient trick of bribing the her with a bowl of feed and a treat. My technique works now, but all those years ago, judges in the fairground exhibition ring found my tactic to be completely wrong. As a youngster, I watched in frustration as all the other 4-Hers easily maneuvered their cows into straight lines like dog handlers at Westminster; my stubborn calf wanted to find the nearest bucket of feed…in the stand with the spectators. Mortified, the judges handed me a white ribbon, and I think one may have muttered something about not coming back.  That calf, known by her number ,”583″,  grew up to be a milking cow who was always first in line at milking times, and she didn’t mind being handled by us humans. 

I certainly would have never imagined that all those failed attempts at cow showmanship would one day be a shining moment in our milking time with goats. 

After my next trip to Tractor Supply, it’s going to be like an Oprah Winfrey car-giveaway-episode on the farm when I go to the pasture saying,  “You get a collar..and you get a collar…and you get a collar!”

Photos courtesy of Kelly Reep. 

Posted in farmlife, Raised by a village

Here, Hold My Goat

Goat  “Faith Hill” and baby buckling “Jim Cantore”

“What is that smell?”  I sniffed the air, then my arms and hands.  “It’s me! I smell like a goat!”  I grimaced at my rain-soaked shirt drenched in sweat, dirt, feces and goat milk. It was July 4th, and the humidity was rising to fierce levels. 

It had been over 20 years since I smelled that combination.  It’s a smell that hid in the recesses of my mind once I moved away from the dairy farm as a young adult.  Now, with a small herd of goats, the smell engulfed me.  My brother Kelly and I spent the morning walking the fence line, cutting tree limbs off the fences that had fallen during the previous night’s storm.

My goat named Faith Hill had just given birth to a buckling the previous week,  and he was only nursing on one side. 

Goats have an udder with two teats, but the milk is compartmentalized, so if the kid only eats on one side, the udder is lopsided and full.  If not milked out, i feared that the goat could develop mastitis (an inflammation and infection of the udder).  Without a stanchion to hold the goat, Faith Hill refused to stand still so I could relieve the pressure from her udder.  I looked at Kelly and said, “If I grab her, will you hold her while I milk her?”  He said, “Sure, why not.”In one quick motion, I grabbed the nanny goat by her horns, and Kelly lifted her on to a crate.  He held her, and I milked into a jar.  Unlike cows, the goat lifted her hoof, pawed at my arm and knocked my cup of warm milk to the ground.  “Crap!”  I exclaimed.  Kelly said, “Hold her leg.”  I said, “eww, it’s wet and covered with dirt!”  He laughed and said, “Mamaw used to milk Susie the cow, and it had stuff in it before she strained it.”

I muttered, “How do I know she’s finished?”  Kelly replied, “You’ll figure it out.”  Sure enough, a few minutes later, the goat’s teat and side of her udder felt flaccid and withered. She was done.

A few weeks later, my friend Joci came to visit the goats, and I realized that Faith’s udder was once again filled, because the buckling was not nursing from both sides. I looked at her and said, “Here, hold my goat.”  I grabbed the nanny, and together we lifted her to the crate.  I repeated the process of milking that smelly gray and white horned animal.  This time, she patiently stood while this stranger held her horns.  With her back leg, she scratched my wrist and her own udder… which required a quick spray of Blue-Kote… the same magical spray that I’ve used on myself!

In August, my friend Lisa stopped by for a surprise Sunday visit.  When the rainstorm stopped, I looked at my teenaged godson and asked, “Want to hold my goat?”  He looked up from his phone and said, “Aunt Janet, I think I’m really tired.” 

I laughed, “aw, c’mon, you know you want to hold the goat.” 

Finally, we convinced him to go outside and he did hold the goat, for about 30 seconds. Then, Lisa took over and we laughed as 3 goats tried to eat snacks and I milked out another 1/2 quart of milk. 

Now, it’s September, and Jim just finished the goat stanchion last week. It’s a daily thing to milk the goat now.  Stay tuned for more of the goat milking adventures!

Photos courtesy of Kelly Reep and Jim Morgan.

Posted in goatlife

As the herd grows…a soap opera from the farm.

Most commonly, people ask, “What do you do with goats?” At first, I responded, “goat races.” Then, I realized that they believed me. My standard response is, “grass control.” Usually met with, “ah. Do you milk them?”  “One nanny. The buck doesn’t stand for it.”

This response is usually met with a blank stare or an audible groan. Sometimes the conversation turns to soap and cheese. 

Over the last decade, I’ve made soap without milk. Now, with the supply of fresh goat milk, I’ve started making small batches of goat milk soap. It’s a project that will last as long as the milk flows. As of last weekend, I’ve successfully made a batch of chevre, goat’s milk cheese, that resembles ricotta, and it was quite easy to make!

How did we get to goat milking?

In the summer of 2015, we relocated four pygmy goats from Daddy’s farm to our newly fenced area. We lost those goats to a pair of wild dogs. After burying the goats, we found a pair of miniature jack donkeys who needed a new home when their owner’s daughter headed off to college. Pete and Ney enjoyed full-run of expanded pasture until February, when Jim announced that he wanted to try more goats. 

By the summer of 2016, the tiny herd increased the nine, complete with new breeds, babies and bucks. Our tiny herd is growing, along with our skills for mending fences, wrangling and milking goats. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Quick Trick Goat Stack

One of my favorite books is “Fox in Sox” by Dr. Seuss.  I love the tweetle beetles battling with paddles in puddles. It seems that life on the farm is often a series of sticks and clocks; I have yet to see pig bands. 

Last week, I turned to see Queen Lillian, the youngest baby goat, standing on top of Pete the miniature donkey’s back. Last night, after milking Faith Hill, the younger goats started racing around the pasture and bouncing off the barn like a ninja fighter.  They love climbing and pushing each other off of the places where they climb. Queen Lillian (daughter of our goat named Julie Andrews and twin sister to Mary Poppins) jumped on Pete’s back again. This time, I caught it on video. 

I